Online Cheating

Cristina,
I'm sure there are many opinions on this topic but I consider it to be infidelity.

Yes. I believe if the intent is there, then it will be elsewhere as well.

Yes, regardless of where its done, if there are sexual or emotional intentions behind it, it's cheating.

Yeah I figured it is cheating/infidelity. I sure feel like he took my heart, stabbed it out of my chest, stomped on it, shoved it back into my chest and told me to take and love it.

The thing is: he left the woman, busting his butt to get me to forgive him, apologized profusely, now is working overtime to get me back, to work on our marriage. Tells me that he loves me and is in love with me, that he always have since the beginning.

My trust is weary. I am trying to heal but I am too hurt, too devastated. I have prayed. I have talked to him and he's willing to talk about it. He claims that he regrets ever doing it and that he wishes he could go back in time/past and change things. Says he's sorry that he did it, that I didn't and don't deserve this. He tells me that he was in a bad place within himself, that he was depressed, feeling uncared for, neglected and unwanted by me. He tells me that he wishes he would have tried harder to let me know that he was hurting. Says he wished he had appreciated me more.

My heart wants to believe him but my mind has me on guard. I do see that he's trying, I mean he's really trying. I never seen him this emotional, this open. I am upset that he took this route and in doing so, hurt me big time. We have four children together. Four children...

He says that he's sorry, and that's the first step to begin a healing process. Your mind has all the right to have you on guard; its in our natural self-defense. But if you love him, and you want to try to make it work, then you will also have to just as open. I have witness a similar situation, 2nd hand. A very close family friend cheated on his wife with another woman in a different state, and abandoned his children during tha time period. This was four years ago. They have since gotten back together, and are attempting to re-work their marriage. I saw the damages that caused the family, specially the wife and the kids. The oldest child, now 18 years old, still holds a lot of anger and pain from this. The wife does as well. Many times I've seen her crying because of it. It hurts me, even though i am in the family, i hate seeing these people that I care about hurting. I believe that the only way that you'll ever be able to re-work your marriage is by forgiving him. It's a long and painful process, i can imagine. And it includes a lot of tear shedding and emotional breakdowns. But its the only way. If you attempt to make it work with him, and don't ever really forgive him, then you'll be setting yourself up for more pain. You have to look within yourself, and your true emotions if you think you can find it within yourself to forgive him and heal through that pain.

I've been down that road many times. He would break up with me so he could go out with the women he met online and not be technically cheating. Never mind that to get to that point it is cheating because he is expressing interest in another woman and wants someone else. When it didn't work out he came crawling back and because I loved him, I took him back. Until this last time. Then he posted on fb that he's in a relationship. Online dating is addictive and he will do it again. Be strong and do what is right for you. Don't put him in the equation.

Yes I do love my husband and I am strongly in love with him but I have myself and 4 beautiful children to think about as well. He is making progress, he is more opened than I ever have known him to be. I have access to his cellphone, computer, key to his apartment (he moved out to work on himself but he's over my place more than at his own), bank account info, etc. You name it, I got access. If he was to mess with anyone, I would definitely know since he has himself wide opened like this. He has given me passwords to his things. I guess he has nothing to hide. Maybe he is sincere. I guess time will tell, until then I shall be on my guard.

christina, i have been thru this......... past 5 yrs going thru.... i gave him so many chances as i was in love with him and i had a daugther , thinking abt her emotions and future ,, everytime i kept forgiving and later to find he didnt deserve it. he just took me for granted and he knew my weakness ,, as i told him to what extent i love him and how much i need him... wich was an assurance for him that ... chances of me living him was very less ............. so he played his card.... for some time everything is fine... i too will stop keeping eye on his activities and then when its safe he will start over again ............

I am not saying every men are like that and you shouldnt......... my only advice to u would be ... do everything for the best of you and ur children ,,,, but be prepared for the worst too............. share ur feelings but never let him know ur weakness ... be strong ... dont be vulnerable on sweet words ... be prudent .... on what u say or accepting what he says.......... I pray to God that he is genunely trying and u restore ur happy life and have a gr8 famliy along with ur children.

u have access to all his things ... use it .. and he shud be aware u r monitoring .. do not question on minor thinsg ... but donot stop after a month or so thinking he changed .. .. continue the same ... in a nicer way ... dont be a police ............... never stop .... may be as and when u get the confidence say after an year or so .. u can slow down .......... but never give a feeling ... he is 100% free now.

just casually look in accounts and say abt expense and so on ... in his mail .. talk anything related to ur kids or common friends etc .... so that he knows you have access and u check ...... dont discuss oly when then there is sone thing suspicious ........... that will worsen things ..... make that openess part of ur marriage.. rather than suspisious things,, as a matter of trusting each other and openness.................

Saying is easy ... something i learned from my mistakes............ Wish u all the best ................. Be positive ............. and think only good .Dont keep thinking abt the bad things .. rather think of all godo times with him and recreate them.

Be bold ............ and Strong .............

Having a heart to willing to forgive and accespt them and love them more even after they hurt , shows what a good and strong women you are ,,, not everyone can do that .............. it takes real big courage to do that ... mcuh beyond wht is needed to walk away.

I know ...becoz i walked away once .. and now again i am moving on .......... not bcoz i cannot do it again ........ just bcoz he dont deserve it .......... i gave him many chances in 5 years.................

Pray God to show the right signs................

GlamFairy,

Thank you so much for this. I have begun to stop thinking of all the negative things and starting to focus on the positive things, the wonderful times in our lives, past and present. I realized awhile back that if I kept focusing on the bad, then I would become a bitter person and I didn't want that. I have thought of so many revenge tactics and then dismissed them. I do want him (and her) to hurt, to feel the pain I felt and feel it many times over. These feelings I realized are normal but I don't want to go down a dark path. I have to be a better and strong person not just for myself but for my 4 children as well. They do not deserve nor need an angry and bitter mother. They didn't ask for this and neither did I but I have to be the better person, the strong person, the mature person and show my children happiness. At least their father is in their lives in a positive way. It's him and I that didn't do well. Sad though he and I could come together when it came to conceiving these children but that's another matter. I had a long talk with him last night and it went well. Hope what I said sunk into his head strongly. Once again, thanks.