My Boyfriend is a Survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse

Hi Ally,

Let me first of all welcome you to Support Groups. I hope you find the understanding, acceptance, and support you are looking for here on this site. Although I've never gone through the kind of stuff your boyfriend apparently has, I have been in recovery for this addiction for over 25 years, so I know a little bit about this disease.

Obviously, I don't know whether or not your boyfriend is gay, but if we assume he's not, than that leaves one other possibility that should be investigated, and that's a therapeutic idea called "repetition compulsion" which basically says that we repeat our childhood experiences as adults, especially those events which might have been traumatic. In a sense, we are a lot like one of the older computers. Let me explain what I'm talking about here.

With the old machines, information was fed in day after day, week after week, and the machine dutifully filed everything away in its memory banks. One day, someone asks the machine a question and the machine goes right to its memory banks to look for the answer. But it can't find an answer. That's because the information it's looking for was never programmed into it. The machine, however, doesn't know that the answer isn't in its memory banks, so it cycles through it retrieval processes again, and again, and again in a hopeless search for information. That's similar to what the sex addict does. They repeat the sexual abuse they went through as children, trying to find the answer to the question, "Why? Why did this sexual abuse happen to me?" But they will never be able to find the answer this way, although they don't realize that. So, they keep repeating the abuse, in some manner, shape, or form (often symbolically). It's a losing proposition. The only way the answer will be found is through recovery. That's where they can learn the new information about the addiction, their behavior, and childhood sexual abuse that will give them the answers they are looking for.

Now based on what you shared about your boyfriend, I would expect to find some sexual abuse by another male in his background where he played a submissive role. That role could have involved just standing there while he was fondled, being forced to perform oral sex on someone else, or being anally raped. I'd look for something along those lines if I were his therapist. I would also expect there to have been an instance where some woman either engaged in "kinky" sexual activities with him, or where he witnessed such behavior on the part of others. That would be the kind of history that would result in the behavior you're talking about. The no sex thing is something different.

I can think of two possible explanations for the no sex deal. The first one is somewhat obvious, he's having an affair or a relationship with some other woman and, therefore, has no time or energy left for you. The other possibility is that he has developed "sexual anorexia". A word or two of explanation might be in order here. "Sexual anorexia" is the flip side of a sexual addiction. Sex addicts are compulsively sexual while sexual anorexics are compulsively ASEXUAL. Connected with this idea goes the concept of love addiction and love avoidance. One can be addicted to say sex, but be a love avoidant, and this might be the case with your boyfriend. Of course, there are other combinations which are possible: Sex addict-Love Addict, Sex Avoidant-Love Addict, or Sex Avoidant-Love Avoidant. It can get a bit confusing trying to figure this all out, but the sex addict-love avoidant would be interested in sex, but not the relationship stuff. This would be due to extreme self-esteem issues on their part which goes back to the sexual addiction.

The sexual addiction theory states that every sex addict has certain core beliefs related to themselves and others. One of these beliefs is that they are a bad, unworthy person. A second belief is that if others ever really got to know them, they would not like them or approve of them, but would rather reject them. They, of course, want others to like them, and it appears as though the best way to guarantee that happens is to make sure no one ever really gets to know them. Since sexual activity implies at least a minimal amount of emotional intimacy, the sexual anorexic avoids such activities at all costs. As I say, sexual anorexia is kind of the flip side to sexual addiction.

I would like to suggest you have your boyfriend do me a favor, if he would. There is an online test called the Sexual Addiction Screening Test which can quickly tell if he's a sex addict or not. This test can be found on either of two (2) websites:

Sex Help
www/sexhelp.com/

Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health
www.sash.net/

On the Home Page of either site, right at the top of the page, you will find the question, "Am I A Sex Addict?" If you'll have him click on that question, the test will come up for him. The test can be taken right there online (it will only take a couple of minutes to complete) and then be submitted for scoring. In just a few seconds, you'll have your answer. Generally, a score of 11 or higher indicates that a sexual addiction is present.

If the test indicates that your boyfriend is a sex addict, and he would like to get into recovery for the addiction, have him come on back to this website and let me know. I'll be happy to give him a few ideas concerning how to go about getting started. And just for your information, the two (2) websites I just gave you (sites where the test can be found) both have hundreds and hundreds of resources related to sexual addiction and recovery. So that would be one place your boyfriend could start his search for help. And if you would like more information on sexual anorexia, let me know and I'll provide some information for you.

In the event your boyfriend is a sex addict or a sexual anorexic, there is all kinds of help available today. You just need to know where to look for it. And with your boyfriend being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, he might be happy to know that there is help for that as well, including resources that are SPECIFICALLY geared towards the male survivor. So help is definitely available, there is no reason to despair. Let me know if I can be of any further assistance. Good luck to both of you.

Charlie
Board/Panel Manager

Thanks for your response and advice. I appreciate it. The things you were describing such as "Sexual anorexia" sound accurate, but the problem is that he refuses to discuss the abuse/addiction/feelings about sex with me and his therapist. He avoids the conversation and becomes angry if I try too hard to press it. We have only talked about it openly one time, and that was the time he told me. I am not sure how to go forward from here, or what the best way to talk to him about it AT ALL is.

Getting a man to open up and talk about childhood sexual abuse can be EXTREMELY difficult. And in your boyfriend's case, since he was abused by another male, he's got a whole additional set of questions he's asking himself. "Why did this guy molest ME? Is he gay? Does he think I'm gay? Am I gay? Did I say or do something to lead him on or to make him think that I wanted to have sex with him?" And so it goes. Men molested by other men have all kinds of gay questions and/or concerns, and often, they feel very ashamed when they talk about them. And one thing I didn't touch on before is that fact that with a sexual addiction, shame is one of the primary triggers for all sex addicts. Nothing will throw them into their addictive thinking and behaviors faster than shame.

Let me ask you this, would he be open to perhaps reading a book or two about sexual addiction, or maybe concerning male survivors of sexual abuse? If you think that would work, let me know and I can give you the titles of a few books for him to look at. Or maybe you can get him one of the books as a Holiday present. Just a thought.

In the meantime, I'm going to give you a website that's intended STRICTLY for male survivors of childhood sexual abuse. That doesn't mean that you can't take a look at it. It just means that this site addresses a lot of the uniquely male issues. Here's the information:

Male Survivor
www.malesurvivor.org/

And let me give you another website that contains just some general information concerning childhood sexual abuse, although they do have some great articles/notices on the site that are aimed at the male survivor:

Sidran Foundation
www.sidran.org/

So try this approach and see how it works. If he refuses the books and the website information, I don't know that there's too much of anything you can do for him right now. The addict/survivor has to want help before anyone will be able to reach him. Until he gets to the point that he wants to change, that he wants to turn his life around, you'll just be beating your head against the wall by trying to talk with him. So let me know what he says and we can go from there.

I am having a similar experiance except I am the 'boyfriend' or 'husband' in my case. Its extremely hard to openly talk about what happened for several reasons. I feel shame, embarrassed, guilt, hurt. I also fear that my partner will reject me and not love me anymore. It also gels like your experiencing it all over again. I couldn't stop myself from crying when I told my theropist about what had happened to me. Its very painful stuff and in my case I didn't even remember parts of it. I feel dirty, filthy, like a piece of garbage and I am also torn. I want to feel love and to be loved but I'm afraid that I could somehow make the one I love tainted too. This can trigger some nasty mood swings that can blindside you. For me personally I just want my wife to understand what I feel, support me and help me through these unreasonable feelings. Its not easy and takes time. My wife refuses to support me or participate in my theropy. It doesn't help on my case because now I am starting to feel unwanted and unloved. I went to these adult dating sites and other porn maybe because my self esteem is so low. The best way I can explain this in my own words is that I feel deep down inside like a filthy piece of garbage so I associate myself with it online. When there is no support it progresses. My wife did find these things I've been doing and confronted me about it. I tell her as best as I could that I truley feel like a pile of garbage inside and I feel unloved because of it. Some people are very resistant to admitting what they truley feel for fear of rejection or shame. She still refuses to help me out of this hole. You may be able to help your boyfriend but it could be really hard. Another thing you might want to know is that survivors like me are extremely good at hiding what we really feel.

For me right now my wife and I are not speaking to each other and there is a lot of tension. There are a lot of other things involved with us that don't relate to what you are going thru but I hope I did shed some light on what you might be dealing with.

just be strong okay im here for you

Hi Jason,

As I explained to Ally above, the behaviors of a sex and/or porn addict will, in some way, be a repetition of the sexual abuse they experienced as children. Often, this repetition will be symbolic in nature, but it's our way of trying to figure out why the abuse happened to us. And male survivors have a much tougher time of it than the ladies do. Let me share the titles of a couple of books with you that deal SPECIFICALLY with male survivors of childhood sexual abuse. These books might help you make sense out of what's going on with you:

"Victims No Longer: Men Recovering From Incest and Other Sexual Child Abuse"", by Mike Lew.

"Broken Boys/Mending Men: Recovery From Childhood Sexual Abuse", by Stephen D. Grubman-Black.

"Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse", by Mic Hunter, Psy.D.

All of these books may be purchased from: www.amazon.com. And they will be a way for you to begin to explore what happened to you as a child. That could very easily enable you to open up and talk about your abuse. It's only by talking about the abuse that we will ever be able to heal it. Good luck.

Charlie

I am reading out of the shadows understanding sexual addiction and a couples guide to restoring trust and intamicy with sex addiction. me and my wife do have sex but from what i have read many sex addicts do not have sex with their wives/girl friends with this addiction if you want to know more about why they dont google it, it is hard to explain to you. just googly why doesn't a sex addict want to have sex. something like that. i cant remember word for word what they said in the book. it doesn't mean that he doesn't care for you. but if he gets help it will restore that intimacy. i got the book out of the shadows and the other one at barnes and noble and me and my wife are also reading another book by patrick carnes called contrary to love helping the sex addict

why quit when it feels so good?

I think charli pretty much said it all.
I won't even claim to know what males must be going through who have been abused sexually, but I as a female can only say that sex has always been a way of punishing myself while on the other hand it also was a way of making me feel like I was in control.
Loving respectful sex is something I could never do, I completely broke down crying and going out drinking myself silly the times my ex-husband wanted to "make love" instead of what you called having kinky sex.
If I want it kinky and dirty then it's like the abuse never happened is what it always felt like to me.
I know a couple of other survivors (women though) who have developed a compulsion for sex sites/dating sites like that. I'm one of them. I hate myself going there but I can't stop, BECAUSE I hate myself so much.
If you want to continue this relationship you might need some help dealing with your own feelings and the things that already happened in your relationship.
If your boyfriend is so reluctant to talk to you or his therapist about your sex-life/relationship and keeps lying to you I don't see this working in the long run though...
(I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, I really mean no offense.)

Hey Ally,

My situation is very similar (see my post); I was extremely hurt and confused and wanted to leave many times over. Upon doing my research on the addiction, the number one thing is to not criticize... Hardest thing ever. You want to scream and blame and wonder why you. It's not you.

I sit at home constantly wondering who or if he is talking to someone. We are currently long distance which makes it harder, but I know patience and support will work out. When I visited him last week, he was on his phone texting his best friend's sister. I couldn't see the whole message but I caught, "thinking about you." She is engaged and I wonder why does she give in to him? All the girls he talks to and fliers with have no idea about his addiction and I want to scream at them all, but I don't interfere. Yelling at him or the other girls will not help; I don't ignore it, I just am aware. I know he loves me, he has broken down on multiple occasions. Now it seems like because he knows that I accept it and know, he closes off like he's "off the hook." I just continue to reassure him I know what's going on and will support him by letting him be, and continue to encourage therapy when we finally live together.

With that said, I see your situation and it is so hard. I feel lonely often like no one understands. I am sick of feeling hurt, but right now it's a waiting game... That's why I came on here. To listen and be heard, you are no alone!

- M