How do I get over the hurt?

He needs to be honest with you. What is done is done, therefore he owes you an explanation, period. When you want somebody back in your life, you (I mean him) need to come clean. Have a serious conversation with him and from that point on you will know what to do. God bless you.

I don't think you are wrong for needing details. If you feel like you need them to move on he should be more than willing to provide them if he wants to keep you. I have my own issues so I can't give much advice, but you at least deserve that much in my opnion. Good luck to you. I have never imagined I could never make a split from my husband but you have to look out for you and what makes you happy!

I am also dealing with infidelity. It is the worst thing I've ever encountered. I live in the Pasadena, CA area and want to start a support group for Victims of Infidelity. Its been over a year since my husband was caught and he ended the affair immediately. I know your pain. We have been through many counselors and I still felt sick and unsettled about the situation until I came across www.dearpeggy.com. Sadly it took a year to find the site and a year of bad counselors that did more damage than good. The site worked for me because it is based on tools that keep he couple together; honesty and a lot of communication basically. In my case my husband was unable to do what was healthy. He lied even though he knew it was a risk in losing me and the children all over again. I forgave him, until so many lies were discovered. The point is, I understood what I needed to heal, and I learned what is healthy and what I am unwilling to tolerate. Many people will tell you to go out, move on and forget about it. You won't be able to forget and don't listen. That is completely unhealthy. You should expect it to take 2-3 years to heal. If your husband is there for you and/or you have a fantastic support group that allows you to mourn it could take the edge off but you still need time. This is your pain. It takes hundreds of hours of pure, loving, honest, empathetic and supportive communication to heal from this. Your life will be an emotional roller coaster and that is reality. If you don't understand and receive the communication and information you request your mind fills in the blanks for you and she becomes a supermodel and they are the happiest couple in the world as far as you can tell. Believe me, this is not the case. They are sick people, ruining their lives because they can't deal with reality and their own feelings. If you are in the category where you don't want to know anything, embrace that as well. 60% want to know everything. That is huge. Embrace you, your feelings, your tears, your anger. Talking about it is so important and don't let anyone rob you of that. Any therapist that tells your husband to hold back to protect you is NOT someone you should see. You should have access to anything you want , phone records, credit card info, all passwords, etc. if you want to work the relationship out. If your husband is unwillinng to do this for you, you have a huge stump in the road to repairing your relationship. There is no other topic a therapist would deal with that requires a person who did wrong to not tell the whole truth. A 1/2 truth is a lie. Silence is a form of emotional abuse and you have been faithful and deserve to know whatever you want to. This is healthy, it's painful, but if that's the category you fall into demand the truth. You can't have a relationship full of lies and secrets. That is what you have now. God bless you, Kristy PS if you get to meet her (I did yesterday) don't believe a word she says. She is an enemy to your marriage.

Thank you all so much for the words of encouragement and understanding what I'm going through. Each day seems to be a test for me. I never know how I'm gonna be when I wake up that day. Instead of a day by day basis its more like a moment by moment basis. The pain of the memory is so intense that I fall apart everytime I think about it and I can't stop thinking about it. I have never felt so betrayed. I did discuss this with my husband the other night again and of course he just wants to focus on moving forward but I'm trying to make him understand that I can't move forward right now. I have to deal with this the way I need too not the way he wants me too. I wish that I could wake up and never have any memory of it at all but I know thats not going to happen. I just don't understand why this has happened. I didn't ask for this, I didn't do anything to deserve this. All I have ever done is love him and showed him. I didn't want to wake up and my life to be a complete mess. He did this to us and now I'm the one suffering because of it. He wants us to work things out and I want that too but I just can't seem to get through it. He told me that he won't tell me who it is because he is afraid that I'll contact her and destroy her life with her husband. Why is he so concerned about her life while ours is a total wreck? I just don't get it. I keep telling him that he is protecting her and not me but he says thats not the case. He just doesn't see the benefit in me knowing who it is. But I want to know who it is so when we are out in public and she's there I'll at least know and can leave but as the way it is now she could be standing right next to me and I wouldn't have a clue its her. I just can't seem to get him to tell me and I don't know how to move forward. I'm trying too but everytime I think I've made a little progress I relive it and start all over again. I have started counseling and in my sessions my therapist is working with me on EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) I've only had 1 session with EMDR and it did seem to help but its going to take more sessions. I've learned that I've got to fix me because I can't fix him.

I recommend that you go through his files, as I suggested you should have access to everything. You will find out. You are being betrayed again and absolutely do not let him manipulate you inot thinking that you are wrong for wanting to know who she is. He is absolutely protecting her and if he wants your relationship he needs to take the right steps to repair your trust immediately. My husband is an idiot but he stopped the affair and I found out as much as I could because I needed to to survive. I have to go, but I am here for you. I am soooo sorry. Please visit www.dearpeggy.com and join her affiliated site beyond affaris,. Get involved in thsoi group as it is a shortcut to therapy that works. Don't waste a year like we did. Your husband will get the message quickly because you will have the backup supporting you. Talk soon and take care,
Kristy

In therapy you need to recover and deal with the affair. I am not familiar with an eye movement therapy. This is emotional. Perhaps I don't underatnd what it is all about and I am not judging. Kristy

Once the trust is taken out of a relationship because of something like that...it is nearly impossible to get it back and you will always always wonder and you will never completely trust him again and it starts to eat away at you after awhile. If he truly loved you, he wouldn't have cheated on you in the first place and he wouldn't have broken that sacred vow he made to you when he said "I do." I know you must love him but I must ask, why are you still with him? Unfortunately, in these kinds of situations, people rarely do change. The saying that comes to mind is, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." I have experienced being cheated on and unfortunately my biological mother cheated on my father with several different men and when he found out and they tried to work it out, she still cheated on him and I'm pretty sure that she is cheating on my current step-father. I don't mean to be cold and harsh but I think it would best to really look over if staying is the best option.
I should also note that my father has never been happier since then so things do get better but the trust issues will always still be there, even with new people but at least with new people, you can learn how to fix that and realize that they aren't the person that hurt you and until they prove otherwises, you shouldn't treat them as such.
Another note...if your husband was not only willing to ruin his marriage but someone else's too? Well...it really shows what kind of man he is.
I hope you find this helpful and not offensive.